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SANIB-SINAG
4 May-June 1998
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Everything’s okay until the mind wanders off to a question that often comes in moments like this, "Why am I not yet married?" Only in marriage can a loving couple prove to each other and to the world that they are truly committed to one another, for better or for worse. How conveniently and profoundly said.
But what about those ladies and gentlemen who, even at their prime, are not likely to get married yet? Definitely not yet this June. Perhaps, not even next June, or the next. Why are their friends and relatives more enthusiastic than they to see them walk down the aisle? How can they resist when the pressures coming from their peers are becoming unbearable? How are they to take all that?
No response can be as simple as to answer these complicated questions. It’s a good thing there is always the available option not to answer them at all!
It is not the goal of this article to defend and uphold single-blessedness, nor discourage it. Much less to berate the still uncommitted and pressure them to rush to the nearest church before it’s "too late." Living by the dictates of the prevailing society has both its good and bad sides. It is really now up to the person how make all these unsolicited pieces of advice from all directions work for one’s best interests.
Unfortunately, many are trapped into thinking that unless they get married soon enough, people would not take them seriously. The reasons vary, depending on point of view. Some would conclude that a single person is not yet matured enough to handle such difficult responsibility, as if marriage were some heavy burden that one would like to shun. Others would make a single woman feel that getting married is some kind of duty or obligation that would haunt her as you long as she remained single, until she finally walked down the aisle to fulfill it.
Others believe and are even convincing their friends and relatives that settling-down is the only time where you really become intellectually and emotionally stable, to say the least.
There is an insight I learned from one book with respect to maturity or what the authors call "the myth" about it.
Shifting Gears (First Avon Printing, 1975), written by Nena O’Neill and George O’Neill, says that one of the promises of the "maturity myth" is that once we settle down into a job and marriage we will attain emotional security. According to the myth, emotional security depends to a great extent upon marriage and the raising of the family.
It is certainly true, of course, that a loving mate and children will normally enhance the emotional security of any individual. But the maturity myth ignores the fact that emotional maturity also has a great deal to do with the individual’s inner self, how she judges her own worth, and not just with her worth in the eyes of others.
The message is clear. One should not allow to be dragged into doing something which she or he is not prepared for. Getting married is one.
One of the most delicate and farthest-reaching decisions one has to make in life is that of tying the knot with a loved-one to become lifetime partners. It entails knowing oneself and one’s vision for a happy lifetime together. It entails finding a partner whose personality and vision of marriage and family life are compatible to one’s own. It entails having the loving couple develop their romantic chemistry enough to really mature into a profound mutually-rewarding partnership, without losing the excitement of romance. It also involves financial considerations.
If it is not only a question of preparedness, then it may help one to look deeper into the opportunities and blessings not readily visible in this lifetime, at this given moment. And give oneself more time to enjoy the liberty of being single and basically uncommitted, to really live and strive more for one’s own personal growth on her own terms.
Besides, getting married as an option when one is not yet committed is enormously better than wanting to become single again when one is already married. The latter is applicable, of course, only to couples who are unhappy in marriage and who ended up despising each other. So, who’s got the better deal in that case?
This position is not meant to harm anyone but only to give face to reality. So, are you among those who’d rush to the altar because it’s June?
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